How many times have I started a blog?? (And not just on xanga, oh no, all over the internets.) How many times have I, with the absolute best of intentions, composed a "this is a fresh start" entry, a post to say "I will write this time!" only to... never come back. I'm sure if I bothered to look these particular entries would coincide with monumental shifts in my life, times when I knew instinctively that I should write stuff down, record it, remember it. BUT then these things start to happen, and I get busybusybusy. I don't return not because of my lack of things to say, but because of my lack of time in which to say them. This is not good. This should be remedied. I should write. Maybe one day I will need to remember, but I really have terrible memory and I if I don't write it down or record myself in some form these memories will disappear and eventually (maybe) resurface, but not as an actual factual account of what happened but as a bizzaro conglomerate of various times and situations in my life. Eek! (This is really what happens, unfortunetly. Of course, some would claim that how you remember stuff is "true" none the less, even if that's not how the thing actually occured, because you were the one to experience it and store those memories, thus you know your own "true" version. However, lots of arguments with my Zach could be solved if I could only remember my memories!)

So.

Monumental life change: I done graduated. I survived Nursing School. (Nursing School gets capital letters, like Hell does.) I take boards February 10. Shortly thereafter I will (hopefully!) be a BSN-RN. I haven't studied at all, but I'm sure I will start soon, when I get panicky enough. In addition to not studying, I have also been spending alot of time not looking for a job. Contrary to popular belief, nursing jobs are actually kinda scarce right now (not impossible to get a hold of, but still tough, especially for a new grad. The economy and all.) I'm trying not to stress myself out about it by running around crazy and worrying about finding a job when I should just be enjoying this time away from schooling AND careering, since this period in my life will probably never happen again. Ideally, I am hoping to find a job in pediatrics. I'm ok if I don't get my ideal, though -- that's one of the cooler things about nursing. I can start somewhere else for a year or two and then move on to what I really want to do. I'm definitely going to work in a hospital though, because otherwise why the crap did I just work my butt off in school? Not to take blood pressures at a doctors office, no thank you.

What I have been doing is reading and watching Lost on dvd (I watched the first season on tv but then didn't have time to keep up with it) and spending as much time as I can laughing with friends. I'm celebrating the fact that my brain finally has some room available to devote to really thinking instead of just memorizing and cramming for tests. I'm also super excited to have a day off (a whole day!!!) every week to spend with my husband. That hasn't happened since... never. With the exception of vacations, we have never had a regular day in its entirety to spend together (this is almost 6 years!) So that is really pretty amazing. :)

... That is all, for now. I might be back, to chronicle the adventures of a new nurse, happy wife, and recent graduate. Or I might get busy.

(Right now I am so digging this song -- oh, happy hippie music! Bless my soul!)

i am so very married!

after 4 years of waiting, we are married as of september 20!

it was more than i could have possibly imagined, and a day of absolutely no regrets -- we wouldn't have changed a thing! it was perfect -- meaningful, fun, beautiful, honest, emotional, worshipful. and all of our guests were able to participate in our wedding in the same way that we hope they will participate in our marriage. we celebrated with thankful hearts, knowing that all things good and beautiful come from God, and with the acknowledgement that life is short and we want to die with it well lived. even the weather was unbelievably perfect -- sunny and cool and breezy. i think God smiled on us, i really do. and my face hurt from smiling so much in responce!

we kept the parts of the traditional wedding that meant something to us, and tossed the rest! instead of the "giving away" of the bride, we had all 4 of our parents stand around us and bless us and our marriage. my brother and a groosman with a ukelele played all the wedding music (none of which was a march!). we were married in a 200 year old church. we had people who had been influential in our lives read a portion of 1 corinthians 13 (the message version) during the ceremony -- amazing to see so many people who love us! we had communion and invited everyone to worship with us. no unity candle. with our rings, we covenanted ourselves, each to the other. we really didn't have a reception at all, instead calling it a dinner (no dancing, no booze, no garter, no flower toss, no rice, no cake cutting but lots and lots of bbq and fellowship and friendship!). he wore flip flops, as did i, except during the ceremony when i went barefoot. our very good friend (and recently our pastor) married us. his grandfather gave a closing prayer and blessed the food. it was... happy!

pictures?

 

bestest day ever...

it must be due to the odd combination of me signing into xanga, it being very late, my not having to work at all tomorrow, and the compiled stressors in my life needing to be decompiled. (decompiled? i like it!)

nursing school had been shocking for me. shocking! at least, i think so. if i can take by brain away from the situation long enough to examine myself, i think i am shocked. first of all, i honestly thought the hard part would be getting accepted. and it is hard, 100 of 1200 applicants get into the program each semester. but after i had gotten that far... the rest of it? please, i've been going to school all my life! i can handle school! easy-peasy.

easy-peasy my foot. (ha! that's so stupid sounding.... i am actually entertained by my own both odd and invented word combos... lol) school had been hard. i have had to work really hard just to keep up, as compared to before, when i got good grades in everything and school hardly even provoked me to think at all, much less think a lot and work really hard to think alot.

and... it's scary! i've spent time (alot) in the hospital, but it is completely different to go into a person's room, someone you have never met and is 30 (or 60) years older than you and has lived their life independently this far, and that person is sick and in pain and completely dependent on... me? (well, others too, of course! but you would be surprised at how much basic patient care depends on one person: the nurse). this person doesn't know me, you want me to help him take a sip of water? go to the bathroom? clean him? talk to him, as if he's a person in the regular world, not a sick person completely dependent on a 21 year old student nurse in a stupid uniform and ugly all white sneakers? tell him what the weather is like today because he hasn't been out of a hospital bed in 2 weeks? dress him? assess his peripheral nerves? listen to his lungs? good god, what am i supposed to hear when i listen to his lungs? did you tell me what it's supposed to sound like, and i missed that class? what if there is something wrong, and i don't hear it, and something happens, something really bad, and i should have caught it, should have known what to listen for, should have known who to report to, could have, should have, prevented that person from going through more pain? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

and, at least right now, i don't like it. i thought i would like it. i am still hoping that one day i will like it. i mean, not that i want to like being around sick people, or people being sick, but i am hoping that one day i will go to work and feel like i have done something for someone, cared for someone, made someone's day better, made some person more comfortable or better or something. i hope one day that will bring me joy. right now, i still kind of dread it, because it is so dadgum hard. really, really, difficult and stressful and i am so unsure of myself. i am hoping that one day i will know what i am doing (i'm sure my future patients hope that to!). surely, i will. right?

i would love to one day really be able to minister to people through nursing; that is one of the major factors that drew me to a career in nursing. (that and the reliable insurance benefits) but seriously, what a great tool! hopefully, one day i will be able to do so. not as in, "i'm taking care of you physically, let me tell you about jesus." more like "i care for you. how can i make you feel better? how can i help you? let me care for you." i think that is jesus. i want to be jesus for people. bringing water and giving shelter and clothing bodies and assessing arterial blood gases and starting IVs and loving people. it's just another way to love people. a really concrete way, which makes me very, very glad.

i just hope i can get better at it.

more later?